I think I actually need to go to a therapist.
I've lost you completely, and now I am cutting again. And it's worse.
I have no desire to go to class, and only go so as to not disappoint my grandma.
I don't care when my english teacher talks, I don't care when my fashion teacher talks about things I love.
I should be so happy to be in these classes but I space out every day.
I have no motivation to do anything in my life.
I don't feel happiness over anything real.
I cry literally every night.
I sit around and miss people who have done me wrong.
I sit around and miss people I've pushed away.
I think of ways to better myself, and instead I just cut my legs.
And somehow that makes it better.

And I just hold my head and stare into nothing all the time.
I miss having dreams and passion.

Seems like the only time I write a blog entry is when death rolls around.

Dying is one thing I fear above all other things.
Not my own death, but the death of literally anyone in my life. It doesn't matter if I knew them by association, a long time ago, or they're my best friends or closest family. This is a fear that keeps me up at night for hours at a time. I shake and hyperventilate at the very idea that someday, everyone I love will leave the earth.

The way I see it is death is just a cruel trick the universe plays on people. Just knowing that, all of a sudden, they aren't here anymore astounds me. Then they're buried under the ground and that's where they'll stay forever.

A girl I used to know in high school was recently in a fatal car crash. She lost control of her car on an unforgiving, icy, Michigan road and headed straight into another car. She left behind a fiance and a precious, innocent baby boy. Alex didn't deserve to die. Tristan will grow up without a mother and will never know how lovely she was. It's just crushing to know he's lost someone so vital to him when his life has only just begun.

When I found out about Alex, I also talked with my mom to hear that my Aunt Betty was in the hospital once again, on life support.

Not many people really understand who my Aunt Betty is to me. No single person has influenced me like she has. She's the woman who makes me calm down and realize that, most likely, the situation is bigger than me. If I cannot change it, I have to accept it. She is the woman who has taught me just what it means to be strong. She has never had kids. Well, that's not correct. She gave birth to a little boy. And since science was not where it is today, they could not keep him alive because his heart didn't function properly. He passed away three days after he entered this world.
I would collapse under the emotional pressure that comes with everything my aunt has been through.

She is among the absolute most important people in my life. I fear more than anything the day we have to let her go.

Early death is so unfair.

RIP Joe Welburn.

I went to elementary school with you.
We used to call you Joey.
You had the softest hair... Kelsey C. and I used to play with it a lot.
You held my hand in 6th grade because I was sad that my dog died.
You were the silliest member of drumline.
You had your own cadence.
It was purely about your laugh.
Steph and I snuck you out of Seminar each week to go to the band room.
You always high-fived us for it.
Sometimes we had brief conversations about our goals in life.
We skipped band together one day and just hung out in the commons.
You were such good friends with my cousin, so I feel like we were even closer that way.

I seem to act like we hardly knew each other but we really did.
You were so loveable.
And you were doing so well.
We were proud of you.
We are proud of you.

Now I wish I could hold your hand. I wish this hadn't happened. I'm so sorry.

You will always be loved.

God, BEDA is just not my thing. I need to be told what to write about if I'm going to do this every day. So I am officially declaring this a normal post that I happen to be writing in April.

My grandma recently broke her ankle in two places and had to get surgery. She was in the hospital for about 4 days, and then she was able to go back home. I've been here helping her around the house since Tuesday.

The thing about my grandma is that she hates to be helped. If she starts to get up and into her wheelchair, I have to yell "HEY! What do you want? Sit back down." She nearly refuses to have someone wait on her hand and foot.

I try to be a good granddaughter. I love her more than anything or anyone else in the world and I just want her to see that I'm capable of loving her just as much as she loves me.

And, would you look at that, while I was typing this, she did the dishes. Of course.

BEDA #7

The moon is fire in the sky tonight and I hear your voice behind me.
“Life is terrible, but it’s an adventure. It shuts you down and rips holes in your soul.”
There’s a glare off the bay, my heart is ripping through my chest trying to get closer to you.
“And you, you are creative in the way you work. You prowl into my mind all the time.”


I SERIOUSLY miss this moment in time.

PS I know these are short, but I'm feeling just a tad bit off lately.

BEDA #6

Woooooohoooooo!

I'm moving in the fall!
I'm getting my own place!
I know what I'm doing for school!
I'll be meeting new people!
I'm gonna get a Bachelor's in Communications!
I'm gonna be away from home!
FINALLY!

I can't wait to leave.

BEDA #5

You know what I did tonight?

I texted you at 10:30 PM. It was 9:30 there. I asked if you were awake.

You responded "Yeah, but you're lucky you caught me before I jumped into bed."

I told you, "Oh, okay. Sleep well!"

To that you joked, "Kim. It's 9:30, why in God's name would I be asleep?"

My entire day had been dull and slightly depressing and that's all I needed to get a smile to creep up onto my face.

I told you to entertain me, I was bored.
You said no.
I said yes.
No.
Yes.
No.
Yes.

"I have shit to do. I can't be texting."
"Liar."
"Sorry babe!"
"Stop responding, then."
"Just watch."
"Mhm, okay.
":-)"
"Respond once more. I dare you."
":-*"

Made my day more than worth it.

~~~

I filled my day with mindless, mundane activities. I stopped at Meijer, getting a couple groceries, spent an hour on the treadmill, and read.
Seriously. If I had a job, I would feel a lot less lame.